A morning in my life

It was morning 7 o’clock when I was sitting in front of my house on a chair beside the mango tree and some flower plants, breathing in the fragrance of jasmine that were grown on its shrubs near the main gate, with a little traffic noise which was giving introduction that it is coming and will stay for long hours in Rajajinagar in Bengaluru.

The sun was calm and warm, still slowly coming out the clouds.  I am eighty-four now and can’t walk more, so daily I will sit in my small garden for more than an hour, and this has become a routine from last ten years for me as my husband passed away eleven years ago.  I Am not alone—I have four daughters—but I still feel alone. Except my first daughter, the remaining three live abroad-one is a doctor, another an engineer and the third a professor.

My first daughter got married in Bengaluru, she was a lecturer and always busy with family and work, so rarely she visited me. The other three daughters called me regularly, but never spoke for more than five minutes. When we had four daughters, my husband and I decided to raise them as if they were sons. We gave them education and freedom to take their own decision, to decide their future, to select their course and all. But now sometimes I think, was that correct decision- they have job, a position in the society, financial freedom, but no partner, no husband, no family.

Suddenly I noticed a small insect flying happily around the jasmine flowers, it got caught in the web, struggling to escape, with no one around to help.

I came back to my senses when a lady came near the gate and shouted Kamakshi. I didn’t respond, she again shouted twice with the same name,” Are you Kamakahi, the address mentioned here is the same that has been written on your address board, then are you Kamakahi?”, she asked. I bent my body slightly from chair,” Kamakshi, it’s me only”, I whispered to myself.

After many years I am listening my name, perhaps for eleven years, I hadn’t heard any one calling by my name, eleven years back my husband was calling me by my name, my daughters were calling amma, neighbors were calling, Sudha’s mother, Shashi’s mother or any of my daughters’ name. I thought girls will have their name only in her parental house and up to her husband, after that she will be recognized by some relations name, like Akka, amma, aunty, atte, chikamma.

By remembering my name Kamakshi I responded to the lady out of my gate, as I was not wearing my hearing aid, I just listened she came for voter id survey. As it was already eight thirty, my care taker came- Jaya came near the gate, spoke with the lady and sent her.

Now Jaya is all for me. She is a sweet lady of about thirty-five and always arrives on time. She does all the household chores, cooks’ food, help me bathe and take care of all my tablets. My daughters pay to her and they will be in contact with her.

But for what, when I can’t see them at least once in a year, only I see them through the small screen of Jaya’s mobile. Daily she makes a video call for me with one of my daughters who will be free at that moment, if they are not free, I miss even that.

Up to five o’clock I feel safe, as Jaya stay up to five in the evening. After that again am alone, just thinking all the time,” what to do?”, I sit in front of TV, but can’t watch more than half an hour, can’t read for more than fifteen minutes, as my eyes pain, my condition remains the same until eleven-thirty at night, awaiting one more morning in my life.

*