If Only!

It’s just another day. I would do it all over again. And, repent doing it. What choice do I have?

I stood in front of the faded three-story building and, I’m hating myself a little more than yesterday. Patches of the walls are falling off and moss formed around the corners. Broken windows adorned the creaking frames and dust spread across the sills. The door to the building is half broke, and the brown of it is barely visible. Through this door has walked many sinners. This door is the barrier separating what’s right and what’s wrong.

I have been walking through the same door every day for the past three years. Every time I walk into this building, I leave a piece of my dignity outside. And, every time I walk out of it, I lose a part of myself within its walls.

Bracing myself for the day, I got into the building. Not like I haven’t been doing this for the past three years but, I need all the strength I could muster every time.

The lobby is nothing like what one would expect. It is unimaginably warm and welcoming. It is unfair how it doesn’t show the traces of the sin happening deep within the walls of this building.

As usual, Anita sat behind the table surfing through the pages of a register. She’s doing a better job than I ever will. But I need more money than she does.

Looking at me, she smiled her usual smile.

There’s nothing to smile about. At this point in my life, something as simple as smiling is burdening too.

People say that with a new day comes hope for a better life. But for me, any day is a gateway to hell. Each day is a reminder of what yesterday was. Every day in the morning, as I open my eyes, only one thought comes to my mind- that I should do it all over again. That I should walk through this door again. That I should see Anita’s taunting smile, again.

Taking the keys from her, I walked to my room.

Mistakes of yesterday laid before me in the form of crinkled sheets. Wincing at the memories, I cleaned the blunders of yesterday just so I could make new ones today.

No matter how hard I try to get rid of, the room smells of sex. It would remain the same- Unholy and sickening.

I changed into much skimpier clothes. What’s better than being a mystery, both physically and mentally? Physically, I would never be able to. Physically, I am an open book to every person that enters this room.

I sat on the bed waiting for the person that would come.

I remained doing nothing for almost an hour when the door started opening.

Its usual creaking was more daunting and unbearable. I stood to my feet and waited for the person to get in.

On the threshold of the door, stood my next regret. And, before him- stood his mistake.

I didn’t bother observing him, because it really doesn’t matter.

But, he seemed very young. Really young.

He stood unmoving and undecided. I could see the repulsion running within his eyes. This could be his first time, and I wish I wouldn’t take it away from him. But, he chose. He chose to come here.

But he could still choose. He could either prefer to walk away or decide to take a step nearer to his mistake. And of course, he chose the latter. Slow and hesitant.

He came towards me and took my arm between his hands. His eyes are reflecting how unsure he is but, his hands are acting purely through lust. I am here but, I’m not. He is here but, he isn’t. His hands are everywhere and nowhere. Everything’s fast but, too slow. I want to be done with this. And, we were.

‘Do you regret doing this?’ he asked. His voice was timid and filled with guilt.

I gave a weak smile not knowing what to tell. Do you? I want to ask. But thought better of it.

I looked out through the broken window. The sky is as beautiful as ever and, birds flew around senseless. Slow breeze took over and, I heard the rustling of the leaves. Regardless the cries within me, it is eerily calm.

I looked over at the person beside me. He is holding onto his hair as he shut his eyes tight. A deep frown etched onto his face, and crinkles appeared on his forehead. He is probably thinking how big of a mistake this is. I would always be just that- a mistake.

He would regret this for the rest of his life. I would be the whore he lost his virginity to. A secret he would confine within himself. I would be a slut he banged. I might as well be a material possession in his life.

He stood to his feet, and I could see the distaste running within him. My thoughts are repulsing as well but, I’m habituated. His wounds are new and would hurt more. But, I’m too scarred to fret about the new bruises.

‘This is a mistake,’ he mumbled to himself. He walked out of the room- fast and wobbling. If only he did that when he held the choice to choose.

I laid there naked adding a new regret to the past ones. Walking away telling I was a mistake didn’t hurt me. That’s the least hurtful thing someone has done to me.

Some men could be pretty hurting. They would make me do unspeakable things. This person was nothing compared to them.

I could say today was better than most of the days.

I clothed myself and walked out of the room. I sighed as I left the building and it felt like an invisible burden was raised off my chest.

The Sun lowered, and I could faintly see the Moon on the other side of the sky. The Sun could never listen to our stories the way Moon does.

I increased my pace to reach the infirmary.

The halls are empty since the visiting hours are almost done.

I reached the room and rested my head on the glass door as I looked at the one person who mattered the most to me. For whose life I decided to trade my body that clouded day. For whose life I’m losing a part of myself every day. For whose life, I’m willing to sell my soul any day.

The things we do for love.

Walking into the room, I sat beside him. Like every day, I held his hand. Like every day, I sobbed into his chest. Like every day, I begged him to open his eyes, to look at me. And like every day, he didn’t respond.

Dejectedly, I got out of his room. After paying the bills of the month, I headed towards my house.

That accident broke us in all the ways possible. If only I could go back in time. If only we dodged that accident. If only he is conscious and not in Coma.

If only I’m not a whore selling her body.

If only.