The Truth We Don’t Know About Ourselves

Telugu: Ampasayya Naveen

Everyone has a desire for fame and wants to be seen as great among others. An author, too, built a reputation as a great man in his town. He became dedicated to service, spending every minute engaged in work without rest. His wife pleaded with him to take it easy, but he paid no heed. A friend observed him closely and, through scientific reasoning, revealed his desire for fame. Why did he do that?

The moment the phone rang, Someshwar answered, “Hello.”

“Namaskar, sir! This is Kamalakar from Chennai. Are you free to talk for a couple of minutes?” asked the person on the other end.

“Yes, go ahead,” said Someshwar.

“I’m a great admirer of yours, sir. I’ve read all your novels. I work here as a manager at the Indian Overseas Bank. Are you free on the 16th of this month?”

“What’s the occasion?”

“I wish to have my novel released by you on that day, sir. Would you be able to come to Chennai? We’ll arrange for a good hotel stay and cover your travel expenses. We’ll ensure you’re comfortable throughout your stay,” he said.

“I have other commitments here. I can’t say for sure if I’ll be free on the 16th without checking my diary,” replied Someshwar.

“I’ll call again in half an hour. Please check your diary and let me know. You must come, sir. I’ve been longing to meet you and spend some time with you. You have many admirers here in Chennai. Everyone would be thrilled if you could come, sir!” he insisted.

“Let’s see if it’s possible. I’d like to visit Chennai as well. Call me in half an hour, and I’ll let you know after checking my diary.”

“Sure, sir!” said Kamalakar, ending the call.

Someshwar checked his engagements diary. The 16th was free, but there was a meeting in Hyderabad on the 18th. He began to wonder if he could travel to Chennai on the 16th and still make it to Hyderabad by the 18th.

The phone rang again.

“I’m free on the 16th, but I need to be in Hyderabad on the 18th,” Someshwar began to say.

“We’ll put you on a train on the night of the 16th, sir. You can easily reach Hyderabad by the 18th. The meeting on the 16th is scheduled for 10 a.m. since it’s a Sunday. You’ll need to arrive here by the morning of the 15th,” said Kamalakar.

“All right then.”

“Thank you, sir, thank you so much. Please book an AC two-tier reservation to reach here by the morning of the 15th, and we’ll arrange your return on the 16th,” said Kamalakar.

“All right,” Someshwar replied, putting down the phone.

“Where are you traveling to now?” asked Aparna, who had been listening to their conversation.

“An admirer from Chennai has invited me there.”

“Have you agreed to go?” Aparna asked.

“When an admirer earnestly requests me to launch his book, how can I say no?”

“Don’t say yes. You went to Delhi just a week ago. Before that, you went to Jaipur. You came down with a fever and were bedridden for four days after those travels. You said you wouldn’t undertake long journeys anymore. Now you’re saying you’ll go to Chennai. Are you going to every place you’re invited? Have you thought about what all this traveling does to your health?” Aparna asked.

“Nothing will happen. You know I love seeing new places and meeting new people. This time, I’ll take you to Chennai. I’ll show you beautiful places like Golden Beach and Mahabalipuram,” he said.

“I don’t have the patience or strength to travel long distances in those awful trains at night. Just let me live my life in peace. Whenever you go on these long trips, I’m filled with tension, wondering how your journey is going, if you’ve eaten, how you’re feeling, if you’ve taken your tablets, and how you’ll return. These thoughts consume me until I see you again,” she said.

“I’m truly fortunate to have a wife who cares for me with such love and concern, Aparna!” said Someshwar, as he attempted to draw her close. Just then, someone called out from outside, “Sir!”

“See, someone has come to take you away again. They won’t let you stay at home for even a moment. I just wanted to spend some time with you, but I never get that chance,” she said, walking from the drawing room into the hall.

“Who is it?” Someshwar asked, looking towards a young man standing near the gate. There was a car parked on the road.

“I’m Sadashiv, sir. You’re the chief guest for our college day function this evening at 6 p.m. I have come to take you there,” Sadashiv said.

“Oh God! I completely forgot about that. Give me ten minutes to get ready. Please wait, Sadashiv!” said Someshwar.

“Sure, sir! I’ll wait in the car,” replied Sadashiv, opening the car door and sitting behind the steering wheel.

“So, you’re off to another meeting. Today is full of meetings. You had one at your college this morning, a retirement function for one of your staff members at lunchtime, and now the college day function… You won’t be back home until midnight. I’ll be sitting here alone, anxiously waiting for you,” Aparna said.

“You have your TV serials to watch, Aparna!” he said while getting dressed.

“Those serials are nonsense! I just watch them to pass the time. They portray women as evil and malicious.”

“If you don’t like those serials, you could read the novels in our library. You used to read a lot of novels, but you stopped because of those TV serials.”

“Will you come back for dinner, or will you finish that there too?” she asked, standing at the dressing table while he combed his hair.

After combing his hair, applying some powder to his face, getting dressed, and putting on his shoes, he said, “I’m leaving, Aparna! I’ll have dinner there itself,” and went outside to sit in the car.

*          *          *

“Someshwar, you seem to be very busy,” said Karunakar, approaching him.

During their college days, they had been classmates. Karunakar now worked as the manager at a bank in the same town.

“It’s been a long time since we met, Karunakar. Even though we live in the same town, it’s hard for us to meet,” said Someshwar.

“Indeed, meeting you is no easy thing! Whenever I call to say I’m coming over, you’re always busy with some meeting. You say you’re either in Chennai, Mumbai, Delhi, or Jaipur,” said Karunakar.

“It’s true, Karunakar. People come and take me to various places, and I can’t say no. If I refuse, they might feel hurt or think that I’m putting on airs because I’ve gained some reputation as a writer and social worker. So, I can’t refuse anyone,” said Someshwar.

“Thinking that way is just to satisfy yourself. If you firmly say you can’t go, they’ll find someone else. No one in this world is indispensable. There are always alternatives,” said Karunakar.

“Exactly, annaiah! He keeps running off to every place he is invited to. He’s ruining his health with all this traveling. No matter how much I tell him to cut down on these meetings and trips, he doesn’t listen. After returning from Chennai, he suffered from a cold, dizziness, and headache for four days. In spite of that, he went to Hyderabad for a Lions Club meeting. This Sunday, he plans to go to Jangaon to inaugurate a free eye camp,” said Aparna.

“How old are you now, Someshwar?” asked Karunakar.

“Don’t you know you’re over fifty? You and I are the same age,” said Someshwar.

“I know. I asked to remind you of your age. What does it mean to be over fifty? We’re not getting any younger. After fifty, everyone needs some rest. We can’t run around as we used to,” replied Karunakar.

“Do you know, annaiah, what he does after returning from these trips? He complains a lot about his aching legs,” Aparna said.

“Does he ask you to massage his legs, like goddess Lakshmi massaging the legs of Lord Vishnu?” Karunakar joked.

“I’m not that fortunate, Karunakar! These days, do wives massage their husbands’ legs? Those days are long gone. We have to take care of our own legs. Nowadays, it’s a woman’s world!” said Someshwar.

“Enough of that. When will it ever be a woman’s world? It’s always been a man’s world!” Aparna retorted.

“When you stand for hours giving speeches and walk endlessly on railway platforms, your legs are bound to ache. If we don’t give our legs some rest at this age, they won’t be able to support us later on,” said Karunakar.

“Society expects a lot from us, so we have to do certain things. I have gained a reputation as a good speaker, and as a result, people keep inviting me. No matter how much my legs hurt, I have to go. I feel it’s a social responsibility,” said Someshwar.

“I think your desire to be seen as a great speaker and to attend every event is just to satisfy your ego. It seems to me that you believe you’re a great orator more than society does. You’re feeding your ego by thinking this way. Have you noticed, Someshwar, that by getting used to these meetings and speeches, you’re losing your identity as a writer? You haven’t written anything worthy of note in the last five or six years. No good novel or story has come from your pen recently. You don’t realise how much you’re losing. Basically, you’re a creative writer, and I feel that your creativity is fading,” said Karunakar.

Someshwar remained silent for a moment. “Listening to you, it seems you might be right,” he admitted.

“He doesn’t have any rest to write something serious, annaiah. If he has to speak on a particular topic somewhere, he spends all his time thinking about that topic and gathering related material. He lacks mental and physical rest,” said Aparna, bringing cups of coffee and placing them in front of them.

“Scientists say that nature has a way of enforcing its laws. If we don’t follow these laws, nature intervenes and makes us follow them. The economist Thomas Malthus once said that the world’s population was growing beyond what the Earth could support. He predicted that if we didn’t control the population ourselves, nature would step in and reduce it through diseases like plague, cholera, smallpox, and malaria. While those diseases are less common now, new ones like cancer, swine flu, and AIDS have emerged. There are also atomic bombs and hydrogen bombs. Road and railway accidents have increased dramatically, as have suicides and devastating floods. It seems nature is finding ways to reduce the population. What I’m trying to say is that nature is telling us we need rest. If we don’t take rest voluntarily, nature might force us to,” Karunakar said, laughing.

“You’re always coming up with these theories. Okay, I’ll limit my travels, meetings, and speeches, as you and Aparna suggest,” Someshwar agreed.

“Going to college, teaching a couple of hours, and then coming home to rest should be enough. This way, you won’t have leg pain, high blood pressure, diabetes, or headaches. What responsibilities do you have now? Your daughter and son are staying in hostels and studying, one in Delhi and the other in Mumbai. They come home during the holidays,” said Karunakar.

“Everything you say is true, my friend! Enough of this topic. Let’s talk about something else. Have you watched any movies lately? You’re very fond of art films, aren’t you?” Someshwar said, trying to change the subject.

Karunakar laughed. “You also like art films, don’t you? You even established a film club because of your interest!”

“Yes, annaiah! When he established that film club, he went around like a madman, tirelessly working day and night until it was set up,” said Aparna.

“Yes, I know about that,” said Karunakar. With that, they began talking about the movies currently screening and the ever-changing political landscape of the country. Despite various suggestions, Someshwar continued to have daily engagements and travelled to other places. Aparna remained worried about what might happen to him with all this traveling.

One day, after attending a blood donation camp and donating blood, Someshwar was returning home on his scooter. On the way, his colleague Vinay Kumar spotted him and said, “I have some urgent work, sir. Could you drop me at my house?”

“Sure, hop on,” said Someshwar. Vinay Kumar sat on the pillion seat of the scooter. After traveling about a kilometre, Someshwar veered the scooter to the right to take Vinay Kumar to his house. At that moment, a speeding car on the same road collided with Someshwar’s scooter. Both Someshwar and Vinay fell to the ground.

When they fell, Someshwar’s forehead hit the edge of the road hard. The car struck his right leg. Surprisingly, Vinay Kumar quickly got up and sat down, but Someshwar lost consciousness and lay sprawled on the road. The car driver sped away without stopping. Within moments, a crowd gathered around them. Many in the crowd assumed Someshwar had died.

“Oh no! It’s Someshwar sir, who has fallen!” exclaimed Sadanandam, who ran a grocery store nearby.

“Is he alive or dead?” asked Vidyasagar, an elderly man.

“He seems to be dead,” said an auto driver.

Sadanandam went over and placed his hand near Someshwar’s nose. “He’s still alive,” he said. “If we take him to the hospital immediately, he might survive.”

“Oh dear, Someshwar sir is such a good man! We need to get him to the hospital quickly. But how?” asked Vidyasagar.

“I can take him in my auto,” offered the auto driver.

“Why the auto? Call 108 immediately. We need them to come urgently,” said Sadanandam.

“I’ll call from my cell phone,” said a man in the crowd, dialling 108.

Within fifteen minutes, the 108 ambulance arrived.

Someshwar lost a lot of blood due to the injury to his forehead. Everyone helped lift him into the ambulance, and he remained unconscious until they reached the government hospital in the town. News of Someshwar’s accident and his going into coma spread throughout the town within minutes. Consequently, many residents, both ordinary and prominent, began arriving at the hospital in large numbers.

As soon as Dr. Subrahmanyam, the orthopaedic specialist working at the hospital, learned about the incident, he said, “Oh no! Such a good man, and he’s had an accident?” He handed over his current tasks to someone else and rushed to the casualty ward where Someshwar lay on a stretcher.

He checked Someshwar’s pulse. “He’s alive,” he thought with relief.

“Put two stitches on his forehead and bandage the wound,” he instructed another doctor present there.

As the doctor was stitching his forehead, Someshwar regained consciousness. With great difficulty, he opened his eyes and looked around at everyone. “Where am I? What happened to me?” he asked.

“Hello, Someshwar garu, you had an accident. It doesn’t matter; you will be All right. We’ll send you for an X-ray to check for any fractures,” said Dr. Subrahmanyam as he approached Someshwar.

After the sutures were placed on his forehead, Someshwar was laid on a stretcher and taken to the X-ray room. As they were taking him, Aparna, who had just arrived, broke down in tears and fell onto Someshwar.

“Please don’t cry, madam. We’re here. Everything will be fine. Your husband will be all right. Let’s see, once we check the X-ray report, we’ll know how many fractures there are,” said Dr. Subrahmanyam.

“Fractures?” asked Karunakar, who had just arrived.

“Yes, I suspect so. It’s a major accident… an accident severe enough to be fatal,” said Dr. Subrahmanyam.

Meanwhile, many people had gathered there. Aparna’s friends—Aruna, Pratima, and Vasantha, among others—tried to console her.

As soon as she saw Karunakar, Aparna couldn’t hold back her grief and cried loudly. “You see, annaiah! What I feared has happened. Today is Sunday, and I begged him to stay home, but he insisted on going to the blood donation camp,” said Aparna.

“He went to the blood bank and ended up losing blood himself. He lost a lot of blood from the deep cut on his forehead,” said Dr. Subrahmanyam.

“It’s All right, Aparna! He’s alive, and we should be thankful for that. Life is full of accidents. Accidents happen unexpectedly, and we see many such cases. This is just one of them,” said Karunakar.

“Sir is such a good man. He has helped so many people. He is always going around without a moment’s rest,” said Narayana Rao, the principal of Someshwar’s college, who had just arrived.

“Yes, he’s a good Samaritan. It seems that people who are exceptionally good often face such hardships,” said another lecturer, Kameshwar Rao, who was standing next to the principal.

As they were talking, Dr. Subrahmanyam returned from the X-ray room. “There are multiple fractures. The two bones below the right knee are broken, and the collarbone is also fractured. He lost a lot of blood because of the forehead fracture, which caused him to be unconscious for about half an hour. But he’s out of danger. I have temporarily set the bones. He needs to be sent to Hyderabad to have the bones properly set and a plaster cast applied. He will need to stay in bed for at least three months,” said Dr. Subrahmanyam.

“How can we make someone who never rests lie in bed for three months? How is that possible?” said Sudhakar, a friend of Someshwar who had also donated blood at the blood bank that day.

“It is necessary. He will now experience real rest after living without it for so long,” said Dr. Subrahmanyam, as he walked away.

Someshwar was taken to a special room in the hospital and laid down. Aparna sat beside him. Many prominent people from the town came to see Someshwar. College students, doctors, lawyers, politicians, businessmen, and members of non-governmental organizations filled the hospital.

Patients, doctors, and nurses in the hospital were curious. A patient asked, “Who is this man? Why are so many people coming to see him? Is he a movie hero? Or a politician? Is he that important?”

“He’s not a great person, but a good one,” said one of the nurses.

“Being good is being great,” replied another patient.

The next day, Someshwar was taken from Warangal to NIMS Hospital in Hyderabad by ambulance. Dr. Surender Rao, who worked at NIMS, was a close friend of Someshwar and immediately admitted him.

“Seeing your relentless activities, I had a feeling something like this might happen,” said Dr. Surender Rao, approaching Someshwar.

After a week at NIMS, two orthopaedic surgeons set the broken bones and applied a plaster cast while Someshwar was under anaesthesia. They instructed that the cast should remain for three months and that Someshwar should return for a check-up and X-ray to ensure the bones had healed properly before removing the cast.

During Someshwar’s stay at NIMS, Dr. Surender Rao was constantly with him, offering guidance on the necessary precautions. He advised Someshwar to consume calcium-rich foods and to avoid putting any pressure on the fractured leg.

After a week, Someshwar was discharged from NIMS Hospital and sent home to Warangal. Upon learning of his return, relatives, friends, and colleagues visited him again. However, the number of visitors greatly decreased after about a week.

Karunakar, however, continued to visit every couple of days and spent a few hours with Someshwar. He often discussed the various accidents that occur in life.

“This entire creation is a huge accident! Billions of years ago, the ‘Big Bang’ happened, creating the universe, which itself was a major accident. From that creation, nine fragments broke off from a middle-class star, the Sun, and formed planets—that’s another major accident. Among those nine planets, life emerged only on Earth, which is also a major accident. Over millions of years, that life evolved, and eventually, Homo sapiens—us humans—emerged on this planet, another massive accident! You, me, Aparna… all of us being born is an accident!”

“At a specific moment, a sperm from our father met an egg from our mother, resulting in our birth. If this had happened at another moment, we might not have been born with the same form and traits,” said Karunakar.

“Enough about these accidents. Can you tell me why this accident happened to me, Karunakar?” asked Someshwar.

Karunakar laughed. “I had a feeling that an accident like this would happen to you. You could call it intuition or a sixth sense. Let me explain why I felt that way.

Do you remember I once told you that if we don’t follow certain natural laws, nature intervenes to make us comply with them? Sleep is one of nature’s provisions for rest. Similarly, nature tells us to rest when we are tired. You never slept properly. You were always traveling, attending meetings, giving long speeches, and coming home late at night. Then, you would wake up early and rush off somewhere else. You satisfied your ego by thinking you were doing great work and serving society in a way no one else could. I’ve observed that for the past five or six years, you have been living without knowing what rest means.”

“That’s true, annaiah! What you’re saying is absolutely correct,” said Aparna, who was listening to Karunakar’s words.

“Since you weren’t resting, I believe nature handed you this accident to force you to rest,” said Karunakar.

Hearing this, Someshwar burst into laughter. “Your philosophy is interesting, and your theory is quite good. As someone once said, your theory is like tying the beard of Tatacharya to the knee of Mir Saheb. An accident is just an accident. No one can predict when or how it will happen. It just happens. Saying that this accident occurred because I wasn’t resting is far-fetched,” said Someshwar.

“You speak this way because you’re a pure materialist. You’re underestimating the natural laws. Nothing in creation happens without reason. Every event has a deeper meaning. That accident happened at that specific moment because it was meant to happen then. It is clear that there is a purpose behind your accident. You needed rest, and that’s why this accident occurred,” said Karunakar.

“Fine, for your satisfaction, I’ll accept everything you’ve said is true. Tell me something, are you saying that all the work I’ve done was just to feed my ego?” asked Someshwar.

“Is there any doubt, my dear friend? I believe that we do everything to inflate our ego. We want everyone to think of us as good, great, and selfless,” replied Karunakar.

“When we realise that everyone thinks of us that way, our ego is definitely gratified. One of Sigmund Freud’s theories seems to hold true. Freud said that everyone’s psyche has three layers: the id, the ego, and the superego. The id is a powerful force within us that we’re not consciously aware of. It is said to contain more bad than good. The primal instincts of hunting for food and uncontrolled sexual desires are all part of the id. If we let the id run riot, we would become cruel and malevolent. To control this id, nature introduced the ego and the superego within us. Only when we achieve a balance among these three can we become good humans and do good deeds. In some people, like you, the superego, or conscience, is very strong. The more good deeds we do, the more fulfilled our superego feels,” explained Karunakar.

“What you’re saying is interesting, but indirectly, it sounds like you’re sending the message that no one should do good deeds,” said Someshwar.

“No, I’m not saying that people shouldn’t do good deeds. I’m explaining why people like you do good deeds. I’m describing the internal forces that encourage us to do good deeds. Good deeds must be done. It is only because people like you’re doing some good deeds that society maintains a semblance of morality. Do good deeds, but not at the cost of your health and well-being,” said Karunakar.

Someshwar closed his eyes and thought for a moment. “There seems to be some truth to what you’ve said. However, after hearing your words, I have a thought. You have analysed that all my actions are done to gratify my ego or superego. I wonder if your analysis of me is also done to pander to your ego,” said Someshwar.

Karunakar burst into laughter. “Maybe! What you say might be true. By applying some of the theories I believe in to you and presenting them as something new, I might also be satisfying my ego. There is some basis for your suspicion. We often believe what we want to believe and cover up our own flaws by pointing out flaws in others. There, you are right, Someshwar. I think everyone’s life is governed by some unknown philosophy. Some people don’t know what drives them, while some intellectuals do. I believe, at the end of the day, whatever work people do, they do it just to satisfy their egos,” said Karunakar.

“It’s a great discovery,” said Someshwar, and the two friends laughed together.

(Telugu original published at:

Andhrajyothy Sahityam, https://lit.andhrajyothy.com/new%20stories/manani-gurinchi-manaku-theliyani-nijam-10616)