Memento

Telugu: Chaso

Venkatappayya looked searchingly into the face of his wife Rajyam. She had no sense of the world. Venkatappayya froze with fear. Rajyam’s lips were trembling. She seemed to utter something. The words were inaudible, but she continued to mutter something.

“Rajyam! Rajyam!” he called her out anxiously.

There was no response. She was in a different world altogether… wandering in the vast expanse of boundless skies with Raga Thodi.

Children were making a lot of hullabaloo in the verandah.

“You fools! Shut up and stop it!” Venkatappayya shouted at the children. He would have beaten then black and blue had they been near.

“My god! I was scared. Why were you thundering at children?” Rajyam asked coming back from her reverie. She looked at her husband knitting her eyebrows in annoyance.

Ignoring her admonition he asked, “Tell me how you feel now?” Anxiety was writ large on his face.

“Why did you shout at them?”

“Leave it! But tell me how you feel now?”

“Fit as fiddle. Why? What happened to me?”

“Then, why didn’t you respond to my call?”

“Did you call me?”

“Didn’t I?”

Rajyam smiled. Her face was frightening even when she smiled. Those protruding eye-balls and extruding teeth gave a terrific look to her face.

“I just lost myself,” Rajyam replied, gesticulating and smiling again.

“Then it’s alright,” Venkatappayya heaved a sigh of relief.

*

Rajyam was convalescing after an attack of typhoid. She almost travelled upto the threshold of death and returned. She was put on a solid diet for one week now. Venkatappayya did not get over his fright, though. Typhoid strangled her for three weeks before letting go off her, and then relapsed with vengeance, as if to assert its supremacy, for another three weeks.

Notwithstanding her return to solid diet and discharge from hospital. Venkatappayya was under constant dread of death striking her any moment.

“I am perfectly alright. I am able to digest whatever I eat and able to sleep well. After such prolonged illness, how can you expect me to come back to normalcy in a jiffy?” asked Rajyam.

Even a cursory look at Rajyam would make people wonder how life still lingered in that frame. Devoid of flesh and blood, she was just a heap of bones sheathed under the skin.

“I was scared when you lost yourself in reverie,” said Venkatappayya.

Whenever he observe his wife sleeping, a doubt always pricked Venkatappayya whether she had turned up her toes. He got reassured only after observing the undulations of her belly.

“My mind went woolgathering. There is nothing wrong with me physically. I am feeling very fine ever since I was back home,” she  said.

“So is the case with me. I too feel some inexplicable pleasure in this house. Of course, the rent is a bit higher,” said Venkatappayya.

“The rent worries me too,” she said.

“Don’t bother. When it is a question of life, rent doesn’t matter.”

Earlier, they were living in an antique house located in some narrow alley because the rent was low. But, so long as they stayed there, someone or the other in the family always got sick. Finally, it was her turn to get sick. Venkatappayya had nobody to stand by. He suffered hell all the while his wife was at the hospital. To his and his children’s good fortune, she came back alive. Now, they shifted to a new cement concrete building with two rooms and a verandah overlooking a palacious building heartening to look at. The houses were surrounded by greenery and large courtyards.

“Damn the money! You came back alive. That’s all we want. We can somehow make both ends meet,” he continued.

“How can we ignore? You haven’t even told me how much you have spent  for my treatment and how you managed the funding?”

“Didn’t I tell you not to raise the issue? First look after yourself. Don’t be stingy. Take as much Ovaltine as you like. Eat all the fruits brought. Don’t share them among children.”

“Am I not taking? I left the kitchen to you and enjoying rest all through. But, a loan is a loan, whatever way you call it. Of course, we have no alternative either.”

“I told you not to speak about it !” he reprimanded her again.

Any talk about  money sent chills up his spine. In addition to two-months’ salary, he had spent more than two hundred rupees. That godsend physician did not charge any fee, but the medicines cost him a whopping sum. Though the hospitalization was free, the expenditure was beyond his means.

“Okay! I won’t talk about it. Let us repay it by and by. Saving is not a problem. After all, it is in my hands.”

“So be it.”

Venkatappayya walked into the backyard. He did not relish the discussion. He had a wash and dressed up to go out.

Rajyam once again lost herself in reverie.

The twilight filtering through the window gave a golden tint to Rajyam’s face. The precipitating darkness slowly crawling into the room. Venkatappayya looked  attentively into her face. He was not afraid anymore. He thought she was absorbed in some sweet childhood nostalgia. Her face was radiant with pleasure.

Venkatappayya did not see her that happy for years. In the first year of their marriage, she was always on her light fantastic toe. But before long, life ordained her to swim through the familial ocean by laying a baby in her lap. It was six years since they were married, she was already a mother of three sons.

Suddenly Rajyam opened her mouth, swung her head aside and started swaying it in a rhythm. Venkatappayya burst into laughter looking at her. Like a chronic of whooping cough, his laughter lasted a long time that brought Rajyam down to earth from her heavenly flights.

“Why do you laugh so boisterously?” she asked.

“Please repeat that gesture of yours, swinging and swaying your head rhythmically again,” he said.

“Oh, that! A girl is singing in the opposite house. Listen!”

After Rajyam had drawn his attention to it, Venkatappayya’s ears  took note of the music emanating from the opposite house. Although the music was ringing in his ears, he did not take any notice of the notes.

“Oho! There is music here also. I forgot you were a violin maestro in your childhood.”

The evening breeze was flowing heavily into the room bringing along the composition in Raga Kamavardhani suspended in it. The fragrance of the wood-apple inflorescence was intoxicating.

“Attention children!”  Venkatappayya announced, “a music concert is on, come here and enjoy,” rather mockingly.

His sons started listening to it with rapt attention and wonder.

“I thought I would have peace in this house. But it appears I can’t escape from this headache,” Venkatappayya said.

“Go and get some pain balm, then!” she gave a rejoinder.

It pricked him and he felt the burning sensation of pain balm all over his body.

“It is already getting dark. Why do you go out now? Why don’t you take an early dinner?”

“I have been dilly-dallying for quite some time. I must requite my sins at least now.”

“Are you such a sinner? I never knew.”

“There is no life without sinning.”

Children were listening to the music very attentively. Evidently, they were enjoying it. Children are pure at heart, and music by its very nature enthralls. If they could get to know the basics of Raga and Thala, music fills their lives and becomes a source of pleasure unto death.

“I see you are your mother’s children, boys! You seem to relish that sambar of Sa… Re.. Ga…Ma…!” Venkatappayya said derisively, stepping out.

Rajyam collected all her strength to get up and put on the light. The tube fixed to the wooden beam glowed steadily and florescent light filled the room. Electric bulbs do not glow as brightly in the old-fashioned houses as they do in modern cement-concrete buildings. Like the bulb that fuses under an unkempt, mildewed, cobwebbed roof, her passion for music also glowed briefly before fusing permanently. Her violin gathered dust and the bow was broken and found its way into the garbage bin. Though music exited from her life, Rajyam was deriving immense pleasure hearing the girl singing from the opposite house.

For Rajyam, nothing went wrong in her life; everything went just right. Six years ago Venkatappayya  came to see her with his people seeking alliance. Groom’s party asked her to sing. That was the moment when her father’s four-year spending on her music training come to fruition, which he so eagerly awaited. She took up a composition in Raga Thodi. As she raised her pitch there was a jarring note and she missed the Thala, which landed on the finger instead of on the lap. She was all at sea but bravely carried on. In the end Rajyam was just short of tears for her performance.

However, the visitors were all praise for her. How were the innocent brides of Telugu families to know that their elders were ignorant of Raga or Thala or a sense of discerning the right note from the wrong one or that there was no music of whatsoever in their lives?

“The boy need not look for a job anymore. He is lucky!” commented a member of the groom’s party.

Rajyam laughed at their ignorance, but the laugh was up her sleeve.

Venkatappayya married Rajyam by choice. Though he was named Venkatappayya, he was not the take-him-for-granted kind.  Rajyam also felt lucky when the alliance was settled. At the time of marriage, Venkatappayya was Hercules unchained… holding high his  graduate  degree from the Andhra University! Besides, he was also one of the Lower Division Clerks of the combined Madras State drawing a monthly salary of Seventy-two rupees!

In the early days of her marriage, Rajyam, known for her singing, was asked to sing in every women’s gathering. However, her husband never asked her to sing nor did she ever volunteer.

Before she could sing freely without any inhibitions at her in-laws’ place, she returned to her parents during her first pregnancy, and soon became a mother.

*

Her children started quarreling on the verandah.

“Boys! Why do you quarrel among yourselves. Come here!” she commanded.

Her sons, aged five and four, came to her.

“Isn’t your younger brother sleeping” she enquired.

“Snoring,” said the elder one.

“Then, won’t he wake up if you make such high noise?”

The elder one smiled rather mischievously. Both of them put on an apologetic face.

“The girl from the opposite house is singing. Sit down and listen,” she commanded.

They obediently complied.

Rajyam by now had become adept at handling her children… convincing them and cajoling them from mischief-mongering. She was also able to fan the kitchen fire without getting choked by the smoke.

The girl from the opposite house started Svara-kalpana (improvisation of notes). They were serenading in a symphony… dancing down in streams once and touching the peaks and coming down like waterfall at other times. Raising her voice to Gandhar, and maintaining it at that, she was continuing to play the notes at that.

Rajyam got invigorated. Music is imperative for one to be hale and hearty in life. Even if one could not sing, appreciation of good music would do them a world of good.

Suddenly, like a spike in sugarcane juice, a boy maybe her brother, intervened with exploding voice, “ga…ma…pa…da…ni…O… jaga… sa… ri… sa… ni… pa… da… ni… O jaga!” singing all types of jarring notes.

The girl stopped her Tanpura and singing.

“Dirty fellow! You don’t bother when I call you to learn music.  But you disturb me like this!” she rebuked.

“Why? Did I not sing the right notes?”

“Let daddy come, I will show you!”

“Da…ni…pa…ni…sa…ri…sa…ni…da..ni…pa…da…ni…O…jaga!” the boy continued another strain.

Although his voice was unsteady, the boy was uttering the notes in the correct order. Of course, there is nothing great about it. If there is music in the house, even the walls and windows can sing.

“Let him come! I will show you to daddy,” she said desperately.

Rajyam was terribly annoyed. The girl was singing the compositions in the Ragas she was so familiar with.

“What though only for a brief time, I was so happy. But it was all over,” she regretted.

“Won’t she be singing any longer mama!” her elder son asked.

“A mischievous boy like you interrupted her. She got annoyed, and stopped singing.”

“How could she sing so well, mama!”

“She learnt it.”

“Can you also sing?”

“Yes, I can. Shall I teach you?”

“No, no. Males do not sing.”

“Males do sing my boy. Shall I teach you?”

“Teach me then.”

“Not now,” Rajyam backed out, stretching herself on the floor, “My legs  are aching. Why don’t you massage them, my darling!” she entreated him.

He started massaging her legs with his little fists.

“Shall I massage your hands, Mama?” the second one volunteered taking her hand into his.

Rajyam took up a composition in Raga Kalyani. She forgot everything. The notes got jumbled up like disheveled hair.

“You are not able to sing like that girl,” complained the eldest.

“I forgot everything,” she said ruefully.

A plate fell down from a niche in the kitchen and made a big banging sound.

“It appears that a dog had entered the kitchen. Please go and drive him out,” she hastened her children.

The boys ran into the kitchen.

“It’s not dog, Mama! It’s only a cat. She pushed the plate on the rice bowl,” said the eldest one.

“Thank heavens! It wasn’t a dog. We are spared the trouble of cooking again. Else, in the present plight we are in, we may even have to put up with that too. You should have shut the kitchen door,” she said.

“It was you who called us to listen to the music,” protested the boys.

“No doubt, I did.  But, when I ask you to come, I expect you to shut the door before coming. Please do it next time. Understand?” she said in a pacifying tone.

Venkatappayya returned home.

“The moonlight in the courtyard and the fragrance of the wood-apple are simply captivating,” remarked Venkatappayya.

“You returned so soon!” exclaimed Rajyam.

“Yes, the work was over.”

“You made penance for your sins, then?”

“To some extent.”

“By repaying some advances, I suppose.”

“God forbid!” Venkatappayya said  noting the pun on ‘advances’ by her gestures.

“But you sounded it so.”

“Fie! Fie!”

“All right, then. I don’t harp on that.”

There was a paper-wrapped cylindrical packet tucked under his arm.

“What is that packet?” she asked.

“Wait! I will show it to you presently.”

That was a zari saree with four-finger-width zari border and a matching blouse piece. It was a gift from a queen to a common woman would love.

“You bought it?”

“Yes! I thought I should do it before I fitter away the cash in my hand.”

“But, where did you get that money from?” Rajyam was anxious.

“I am afraid, you may not excuse me if I tell you.”

“What did you do” she was really alarmed.

“Promise that you won’t take me amiss,” he stretched his hand forward. His hand was trembling.

Rajyam put her hand in his as a mark of promise. “Why are you so trembling? What did you do? I suppose you haven’t stolen it from anywhere.”

“More heinous than that. When you were down with the relapse of typhoid, I lost every hope. One of my friends who visited me at that time asked for it the moment he saw it, and I gave it to him.”

“What did he ask and what did you give away?”

“Didn’t you notice? My friend took it and disposed it off for two-hundred and fifty. I did not even dream that it would fetch that much! But I realized older ones commanded higher price.”

Rajyam understood it now. She searched all around the room for confirmation.

“You don’t have to search for it anymore.”

“Oh! Has she gone?”  She heaved a heavy sigh.

“I know what I did was wrong and would be painful to you,” he confessed.

Noticing that her husband was feeling bad, she suppressed her feeling in no time, and said,

“No, no. You haven’t done anything wrong. Anybody in your place would have done the same thing. You were compelled by the circumstances to do that. After all, you did not spend the money for yourself.”

“Considering all our children are boys, I decided that way,” he continued his strain.

“Forget it. I became dumb long ago. What is the use of that violin to me anyway? That’s all I am destined for. Maybe that I have got the blessings of Goddess Saraswati to this extent. The mother has departed. Even while leaving me, she lived up to the qualities of a mother. She resurrected me back to life and blessed me with this sari and blouse,” she broke off as tears bleared her eyes. She did not care to open the saree before her.

“I bought this sari because it would last long,” said Venkatappayya  opening up the folds and spreading the saree over her shoulder, to test it on.

“Yes, it is a nice, lasting memento!” said Rajyam laconically.

(Telugu Original: Vayuleenam , Bharati, December 1952)